Date:	2008-01-21 10:17
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	something like pensive

How do I even start this entry?.....




There have been so many thoughts in my mind in the past two weeks. So many ideas, inspirations, and revelations of what to write here. Here are a few...


Convincing myself that I want to believe in something is much different that actually just believing in it. My relationship with God up until this past September has been me wanting to believe in Him and not just realizing that He's there. I am starting all over.

Theorizing, reading about, thinking about, and preaching about life does nothing but make me feel good about myself. It, in no way, prepares me for what life actually holds. The only way to do it is to just experience life as it comes, knowing that in reality, I don't know all the answers.

I do not, and will never, understand God so trying to do this will be a total waste of energy. All I can do is listen for Him.

The people God brings into my life are gifts. It's ok to receive love from them even when I am giving love to them. They will expect more of me than I can offer, and they will have opinions about the choices I make but still, they are what make my life rich.

Love is and is not simple.

Simply by being in God's presence my heart relaxes and expands and healing happens. When I see His beauty in nature and in the sky I find rest. There is a powerful thing about beauty that, in it's purest form, invites those around it to rest. As a woman, I hope to provide a small reflection of that.


Babies are amazing


crying is only healing when it comes from the depth of my heart and I allow myself to really feel.

Being vulnerable doesn't mean being susceptible.

humor, music, and emotion are even MORE powerful than I thought.





Fin.


:-)

God as a concept? God has always been a concept to me. something to be understood, studied, learned, hypothesized and theorized. When others had a dilema or a question I could easily come up with what God would say because of my "understanding" of who God was. I would look into everyone's life around me, sit and listen to what different Christians would say of different personalities, think hard about the commonalities and differences of cultures and see what the common thread of Truth was that echoed through all lives.

This is where I built my faith... through man's understanding of the supernatural and how the bible played into it. I listened to my own logic of what made sense or at least what seemed to be constant.

The result? I won approval of many around me who would speak to me how "wise beyond my years" I was and how I was "so lucky to be where I am at at such a young age". I thrived on this attention. The more approval I got for being a "powerhouse for the Lord" the more I sought to understand this idea of God and Jesus and the amazing love they have to offer and to speak it generously to all those around me.

the consequence? I sit here today with my heart weeping as I look to the sky and realize that God is just God...that there is a real God that created the Earth...that He is really there. That I am no closer to understanding God than I am to turning myself into a newt ( or getting better:-)) My heart also weeps because I can't quite seem to open up enough allow the fact that He loves me move past logic and solidify into reality... I can't quite seem to get who Jesus is in REALITY.

Sure the concept alone that Jesus died for my sins and that is the showing of ultimate love is enough to send me to my knees in thankful prayer but I am missing the reality of it... the freedom of it and the constant and everlasting peace that I logically know would come with it. To first, simply believe in Him and then to entertain the idea that this mighty amazing God would seriously delight in me is too high for me right now... though I long for it...I desperately want it to be true with the same longing I wanted my dad to delight in me when I was little...the fear it will turn out the same this time is strong...

So I wait for Him to show me... I believe He is there though I forget sometimes. I trust He will guide me and I cling to the hope that He wants me to know Him just as much as I want to know Him... not just to live by His rules but to walk in love with Him...to have freedom to be me and make mistakes because I am confident that God will never leave me or withdraw His love from me...to giggle and shine because I know that God delights in me...and through that have the freedom to love Him more purely and openly... all these things make sense... I understand them and they are firm in my logic but my life remains the same...I may understand them... but the transformation comes in BELIEVING it....

if this happens everything will be different.... not perfect....but different....

Date:	2007-08-14 16:11
Subject:	love and snuggles and God
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

So recently I have forgotten just how much I love writing in this thing so I am going to start again...( probably no one reads it anymore but hey... whatever;-))


I have been thinking lately about the desire to be held...

I look in nature and with the animals that reside in herds or packs or gaggles or whatever ( I think I just wanted to say gaggle... yes I said it out loud) they all curl up around each other at night and.... well... they snuggle....

I look in NYC and people won't even look each other in the eye for fear of what they will see or run into

I look at babies and they hold their arms up to their parents and when they are wrapped in those safe arms they sink into them laying their little heads on their parents shoulder

I look at a divorced couple running into each other at their child's school event and trying to make the best of it. they stand awkwardly, not too close but not too far, they catch each other's eye every once in a while nodding their heads and saying "good" a lot.

I look at a newlywed couple sitting as close as they can on a park bench, one's head on the other's shoulder, not speaking, just enjoying the beauty of the day and their love for each other

I look at a person worshiping God... arms outstretched... tears streaming down their face...everything vulnerable exposed...


to me...there is an inner sensation when physical touch is felt....
to me...there is a love transferred when touch is pared with it
to me...there is power in an appropriately timed hand on the back

to feel all these things when no arms are around you physically but you are dwelling in the midst of God's presence...saturated by the love that Jesus demonstrated... is the most wonderfully confusing and overwhelmingly emotional things I have ever experienced....and just like I long to be hugged by those I love... I long to be "held" by God (and vice versa).

there is a pairing of these two that I think that God set up... I think that we were meant to be touched... to be held in love... to snuggle... to rest in the arms of the people who love us as a small and imperfect example of that wonderful feeling we have when we are dwelling in God's presence...

however...this imperfect example will never be enough and we will always look for more... and that more... that perfection we seek...that is found only in the love of Jesus... the love that we experience when we realize that... yes... Jesus was thinking of us individually... yes... Jesus did think of me... Elizabeth... when He gave up His life so that I... though I am nothing and He is everything.... could have life... and have it abundantly...forever...

every once in a while I surf around on facebook and read all the clever and witty comments that people write to each other. I see the flirty messages some girls and guys leave to each other and I see the confidently amusing ones friends leave on each other's. I am not clever and witty. well, maybe I can be sometimes but for the most part I am awkward and self-amusing. Every once in a while I start to feel insecure and think "I would never be able to come up with something as witty and clever as that to leave on someone's wall" I really start to freak out about it. Then in a frantic hope to gain something, I write on a friend's wall and quickly hit "post". when I go back to read it....well... its just plain out embarrassing. (Jessica....I am sorry;-))

some girls have mastered the art of flirting. be it wall-flirting or real life-flirting they know exactly what to say and how to say it to make guys smile at them with that approving look in their eye that says "you are accepted and love-worthy" ( if its real life flirting...if its wall flirting they just look at the picture with the love-worthy look). when I was single I could not flirt worth anything. I would think of something smooth and a bit suggestive to say and in my head I would say it in this liquidy flowing voice and upon the words being uttered the recipient's eyes would light up and he would half smile at me and say something just as smooth and suggestive back. what would actually happen is that I would do a goofy-like giggle, stutter out something that completely lost its meaning when traveling from the godess woman in my head to the guffawing young woman in real life and then proceed to try and cover up by saying something that suggested I meant to make no sense and run all the words together.

my point is that I looked down on myself for not being able to flirt well. like I thought that the only way I would ever get a guy is if I learned how to flirt. I wondered if there was a huge book of "ways to drive guys crazy" that every other girl got when we were young teenagers. maybe they handed them out in gym class like the day they all made us watch the movie about having our periods. In any case I had missed the boat. the thing is... now I am engaged and I still don't know how to flirt. its really hard not to think that some other girl who is a better flirt is gonna come in and steal that love-worthy look away from me. not that micah has ever even given me that impression in the slightest,(he has actually gone to great lengths to explain to me all the reasons why he loves me,) but just because its something that I am insecure about.

so just the other day God reminded me how amazing I am. He spent the whole day showing me quality after quality that I had that was love-worthy. it was an incredible day with Him. Now, however, I am torn because half of me believes that that I need to be a good flirt and be fun and light-hearted to be loved but the other part of me is saying that I should be loved for my depth of thought and love for other people and for the passion I have for things...even when that passion for things its being shown in a seemingly negative way. The thing is people respond in a much more obviously loving way to someone who fun and light-hearted and clever but people rarely encourage the deep thinkers to express that depth and then respond in an excited-about-who-they-are
kinda way unless they are deep thinkers themselves. so this is what happens...

deep thinkers, in an attempt to show the world that they are love-worthy, learn to explain their depth to those who might not understand it, they learn to translate what they are feeling into something our society can grasp and then become desperate to express it. when they are misunderstood, its like their heart will explode if they don't immediately remedy the situation. if they can't remedy the situation it results in catastrophe. if this happens over and over again the deep-thinker may just learn that "no one will ever understand them" and drop the expectation but because they refuse to loose all hope they try to explain themselves to all those who will listen, knowing the odds are more in their favor the more people they test run. all of this can be summed up in one word.

Lonliness

I go through life feeling like no one will understand me and no one has been there with me through it all enough to understand me so everyone I meet I must try to catch them up to speed on everything I have been through before I can just be in the present with them. There are two problems with this1.) I am failing to see that Jesus was there with me my WHOLE life and knows everything about what I have been through and who I am and, instead of being joyous because of that, I am trying to get a person to fill that spot in my heart, and 2.) the whole time I am catching the person up... I am missing out on the time with them in that present moment.

its scary to be open to the present and not reside in my head and my previous understandings of the world. its scary to just take life as it comes and not try to apply it to a formula of truths I have fought so hard to figure out. It's scary to just ride the ride and not think about all the fun I am having on the ride and how this is a positive memory that I should lock away so that when i think back on my life I won't have any regrets.

it all comes down to trust. if I really do trust that God has be exactly where I am meant to be....then I need to stop trying to look at the map and just look at the road through my windshield. furthermore, I need to just interact with people and not be thinking about what it all means or if they don't like me or if that face they just made was because of me or they just had some gas. I need to trust and I need to just be.

Date:	2007-01-13 23:16
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

so it has been almost a year since I have written in here....wow

instead of going through EVERYTHING that has happened in the past year, I will just talk about where I am now and you can do the deducing...


I am at work...... the end...






HA! I'm hilarious... anyway...

after spending literally 15 years dreaming about love and fantasizing and studying up on what it is and what guys want to hopefully improve my chances of finding it, I decided to give up on it...and then I tried one last time only to find out that the guy that was right for me was teaching me to dance and the guy that I thought I was interested in was giving me a verbal slap in the face to get with the guy I was dancing with.... and now I am engaged to be married to him...he once related a story to me that he saw in an opera... there was a goddess surrounded by this ring of fire...that ring was put there to protect her and to make, whoever it would be that rescued her, worthy of her. if he could fight through that fire and get to her then he was worthy of her...Micah told me this story as I was starting to expose my flaws and insecurities to him.... and he has fought through the fire with compassion and love...

all that time, all that energy, all that drama and heartache...and now this romantic and real love is just whirling me up in it... which brings me to where I am with God...

after I graduated I was so upset that I didn't have the relationship that I had with God. after much thought and sinking into my own pit of prideful self doubt I realized that my life was NOTHING like it was in oswego. I don't have wonderful Christian people around me all the time, I don't have a group to go to and worship God during the week, I do have a fiance, I do have a wonderful church to go to. I realized that I couldn't feel God because I was trying to fit Him into the shape I knew Him to be already... I was trying to fit Him into my old life... but this was my new life... this was different... I had to erase what was comfortable and understandable and start from scratch... so that is what I am doing... transitioning....


speaking of transitions....( I couldn't think of one to get into the next topic)
emotionally things are crazy... but I can honestly say I am better for it... I can not WAIT for the day where true freedom becomes reality...and I am enthralled that I am now aware that that day exists...

intellectually I have taken a break... but thanks to a great friend from work, I am reading again.

work is severely lacking... I am looking for a new job so if ya hear of anything.....

hopefully I will be posting more on here from now on talking about my thoughts about life.... I have been having a lot of them lately...

Date:	2006-03-25 11:25
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

so I have a bagillion different sides to me...

in talking to a beautiful charming delightful young lady I like to call Beth last night I realized I am not alone in this...

typical situation: when I am nervous I tend to get really hyper and goofy. this is not really who i am... I mean... sometimes sure I will get goofy (especially if its with catie... but usually that is only when we are so stressed out that it just bursts out in a fit of giggles) but the part that bothers me is when there is a group of people around... or one person that I am nervous to be hanging out with... I will get really giggly and almost obnoxious... there is something in me that thinks I have to entertain those people or that person... get them to like me... and when people are laughing at your craziness they have to like you right?? wrong! they are liking the show...they are entertained but they haven't seen who you are at all!

so whats the big deal right? who cares what people see and what people think.

well here's the thing... I actually have the confidence in who God has made me now and I rest in that... so why do I still go to that instinctive protection to not show the real liz but show a liz that I used to think was the only version people would be happy with when I get nervous or when there is a group of people around?

here is an example: I have a friend that I just met a little while ago and he lives pretty far away so I have only actually hung out with him a few times... but because after the first time we talked I respected him and was facinated by him I was so incredably nervous to hang out with him ( the confidence is there but its new so its still pretty fragile...and when I first met my friend I didn't quite have it yet) so each time I saw or talked to him I found myself going into the "entertaining liz" mode. even as I was doing it half of me was laughing at myself and half of me was frustrated with myself. why did I revert back to this? why, just because I looked up to my friend, did I think that I had to be something above and beyond what I really am? ESPECAILLY because I really actually love who I am (when I say taht I mean that I love the love that God showers on me and I am finally feeling that love he has for everything that I am...not saying that I am perfect or that everything about me is wonderful) and also because I think this dude is one of the few people I have met who would have actually appreciated who I really am!

it just baffles me how sometimes its like your soul and spirit act and do things without checking with you first... we all think that the only thing we have control over is ourselves but i am not so sure about that even. If I am really loving being me as much as I think I am then whats with the protection? I mean... I am a goofball and I don't think that that will ever go away nor do I want it to... but its more on the mellow laid back side of goofball ... not the crazy running around like a high energy puppy kinda goofball. so now I look at the high energy stuff and I think " oh wait... I don't have to do that anymore." and its actually really exciting!.

I would much rather sit down with someone and have a good long talk or better yet... not talk and just listen to some good music and enjoy it together than to entertain a crowd. that is why i am so glad I am living with sarah this summer because she is entertaining by nature so I can just relax:-) she is so similar to Janelle ( one of the girls I lived with in australia) Janelle was a natural entertainer too...and I saw her and I realized that for me it wasnt natural and that i could chill and let her have the spot light... and it gave me so much peace that I could stop trying and I didn't have to worry about being looked over or fading into the background.. I didn't have to entertain I could just be liz and that would be loveable enough which was reinforced by my friendship with scarlett....and this all happened a year ago... so why did coming back to oswego cause me to revert to who I was when I left oswego?

this is the bottom line... there are a ton of different sides of me... usually people see one or two and then think they know everything but then as they get to know me more they find out that I am a super complex chick ( or the real observant ones see it right away )all I have to offer is myself and I am sorry to those of you who have only seen the entertaining liz because you have gotten the least amount of really who I really am. But the good news is this: if I am posting about this that means I am aware of it now...which means give it a couple weeks and it is gone for good! or maybe it already is:-)

He is so good to me... I would know nothing of myself if it weren't for Him... I am actually pretty excited after writing this because shining the light on the situation dissolves the rootless lie that was still floating around in there... the root was pulled out a year ago and now its just time to rake away the dead remains at the surface! :-D

Date:	2006-03-16 23:52
Subject:	This is what I do on spring break:-D
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

Your Monster Profile

War Midget You Feast On: Pie You Lurk Around In: Swingers Clubs You Especially Like to Torment: Blondes

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

You Are Root Beer

Ultra sweet and innocent, you have a subtle complexity behind your sugary front. Children love you, but so do high end snobs... when you're brewed right. Your best soda compatibility match: Dr. Pepper Stay away from: Diet Coke

Your Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled With a Puppy

Well - one cute, soft, cuddly puppy... And a very soiled Christmas stocking.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a multi dimensional wonderland, with many layers. You're the type that always has multiple streams of though going. And you can keep these thoughts going at any time. You're very likely to be engaged in deep thought - and deep conversation.

Date:	2006-02-23 19:52
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

so some of you have had me ask you recently "why are you Christian? not why did you become a Christian or what you look to get out of it...but why are you a Christian right here and now" this is what I have been exploring these days... why are we this concept of a follower of something we have never seen? what is in it for us? what is the point? not in a way that sends me throwing my hands in the air and saying "what is the point!!!!" but just in an evaluating way.


my answer is this: I am a Christian right here and now because I am in love with Jesus.

whoa.... hold the phone.... you are in LOVE??? ....with JESUS..........umm.....psyyyychoooooooo.

this is what I mean.
This man... This God... is everything I could ever hope for...He is kind and merciful without holding back the discipline....He is wise and patient and relentless...He is Love....

we were MADE to seek after love...and when we can't find actual love...we look for the feelings that we associate with love anywhere we can find it from drugs and alcohol to flirting and deep intimate conversations...I know I know... all of this is old news but this is my point:

we are all self serving. not selfish persay, but we definately care about ourselves and the maintennce of our innerself. (In studying people I have come to see that TONS of the problems and lies that people believe about them selves started with a bad feeling and then a vow to protect oneself so as to never have that feeling again...people even create their identities around these things....)we work to keep ourselves at a peaceful state where we can maintian existance and still feel ok about it. we are definately self serving but that isn't necissarily a bad thing...just a normal part of human nature.

if this is a normal part of human nature then God must have made us that way. and if God made us that way then there must be something about Jesus that satisfys that right?

see so many people get so worn out by being religious... they get sick of following the rules, sick of "being" who they should be...by just looking to the hope of heaven they are not motivated enough to keep going with this act and then (at least from what I have seen) tend to go to the other extreme and do all the things that they vowed they would never do.... the more religious the person in the beginning...the further to the otherside they go when they get sick of it....yet we create these rules and regulations to follow and then get so down on ourselves when we can't live up to them on our own...we try to create old testament style faith even though Jesus came to break all of that and forced us to just be who we are in front of God....which in my opinion is harder to do than follow some rules... so we continue to try to create the rules...we fall..and then we go the other direction with an anger toward our concept of God in our hearts.... the things is.... I compLETEly understand it...

so I have been looking....and what I have found is that the reason I can stay with God through the times when I am weary now...and couldn't in the past isn't because I am doing it right... it isn't because I have a greater faith than anyone else...it isn't because I say the right prayers or go to church every sunday.... its because I love my God so much....even when I am so angry at Him...

I WANT to be a Christian...I don't WANT to be apart from God just as I wouldn't want to be apart from my husband, father, brother, or best friend.... I don't do it because I should or because I think it looks good (believe me I have fallen WAY short in that area) I don't act like the modle Christian woman. I don't say all the right things. I am not always as giving, and selfless and patient as I should be. but I don't need to be. HOW AWESOME IS THAT? I don't need to be. He just loves me...

He loves me when Im wrong and He loves me when I am acting goofy and thinking I am funny but the only one laughing is catie ( man I love her). this man and God who is everything good that I could ever think of looks at ME and is in awe at my beauty inside and out ...and never gets sick of letting me feel that... the more He loves me the more I love Him ... its a beautiful cycle


that is how it is self serving....that love... it makes me feel good...it gives me peace when I am worried, it gives me happiness when I am down, it gives me rest when I am tired...Just how I always pictured myself going to my husband with this stuff, that is how I can go to God...there is nothing wrong with looking to God to feel love when we are feeling vulnerable and small...thats one of the things He is there for!!! Jesus isn't a crutch.. Jesus is the answer to that unspoken longing in our heart that cries out for love.

for those of you who would read this and say that the reason God was "created" was to fill that spot in us that seeks love and a comfort in knowing that we are not fully in control I say to you this.... how do you know that we weren't created looking for that love and comfort because its we need to get it from God. why is it God that was created to fit the desire and not the desire created to fit the God?

Date:	2006-02-04 14:09
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

why is it that the things that are closest to you are the hardest to express? they trascend beyond conciousness into a darkened room that pushes and pulls at existance. It beats lower and more subtle than a heart beat, it sees beyond images. It lives and thrives underneath it all with an energy that could blow you to shreds from the core out if it wanted to.... but it doesn't.

some know they have it, some don't, but everyone has it. call it the subconcious, the Id, insinct, or anything else and it still won't encompass what it really is. It seems to saturate the body, filling it with the unseen, undetected essence of whatever it is.

It exists under our self-righteous analysation of who we think we are.

It works in us, guiding our eyes, mind, hands, body...

It plays on our pride and humility so that when we choose to go against an "insinct" we are really ending up exactly where it wanted us in the first place...it knows us.

The most puzzling thing is...it must love us. it has the knowledge of our real movives in what we do, say, or think, and yet it is still there...

it's a terrifying love. It knows the worst things in us, the thoughts we supress, the images we erase from our brain, the feelings we push away and it loves us so much that we have not fallen over dead because of these things

why can we not look into this area and just know ourselves based on the truth and not the lies that exist in this relm... why can we not just be aware of it so we can really see who we are? so we can really better ourselves from the root of the issue instead of having to weed through possibilities until something clicks and it all makes sense? it's so tiring...

why can't we just be aware of the place inside us where the real reality exists and stop living in our created one?

Date:	2006-02-01 20:48
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

CAUTION: CONTENTS OF THIS ENTRY MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR KIDDIES

"there is an emotional promiscuity we've noticed among many good young men and women. The young man understands something of the jounrey of the heart. He wants to talk, to "share the journey". The woman is so grateful to be pursued, she opens up. They share the intimacies of their lives--their wounds, their walks with God. But he never commits. He enjoys her....then leaves. And she wonders, Where did I go wrong? She failed to see his passivity. He really did not ever commit or offer assurances that he would."
~Captivating

MAN! how many women out there know this to be true? I have often wondered why it was that I would want to vomit out everything about me to the man I was interested in....and I would often wonder why it was that I would be left feeling so .....vulnerable at the end....

For me...a man forcing me to tell him things that I don't want to tell him and succeeding is emotionally equivalent to raping me. But instead of being physical...it is an emotional raping. I am not using this term lightly... I don't mean to say it as a casual term that gets thrown around today... it actually feels like my insides have been raped ( to the best of what I could imagine) I feel over exposed, helpless, violated, used and tossed, and mostly... that all that I just exposed isn't worth sticking around for. This has been one of the main lies of my life.

I started with hiding it from everyone...but that soon turned to me whoring it out to any guy who even looked in my direction...what does that mean? it means that at the slightest attraction or interest or percieved interest...I would shove everything I deemed lovable in me at the guy to try to get him to see how "great" I was. what ended up happening instead is that the guy would sense my desperate nature and back off ( and understandably). so ultimately I fell into a routine of interest-->shoving everything at the guy and then IMMEDIATELY asking him if he liked me--> him backing off--> me believing that it was because of who I was.

now here comes the interesting part. there were a few guys that stuck around but never actually commited to me. the truth is that they loved me past my desperateness and saw who I was. but what I ended up believing was that I had to only shove a little more and one day something would click and their eyes would be opened to how wonderful I was and they would commit....all the while completely exposing everything to them with the unintentional expectation for them to protect everything I would expose....and then getting incredably hurt and betrayed when they ( understandbly) didn't. it wasn't their job to... it is God's job to and someday will be a boyfriend's and husband's job to to a certian degree.

now I will be the first to admit that I would inquire of them all the deep stuff too... I longed to know it of them... to know what makes them tick and everything that is going on in their life... but it was still an adulterous reason... to have an intimacy with them...emotional intercourse. this kind of intercourse also only belongs in a marriage because it has the commitment to back it up... the commitment acts as reinforcements to the foundation that God builds...


so what is the moral of the story? exposing the intermost vulnerabilities and workings of your heart to someone has the SAME effect as exposing the most vulnerable part of your body to them... and was only meant to be shared with someone willing to commit to loving it... it feels REALLY good to expose those things to someone who is willing to make them feel good for a short time...but it only ends up in worse pain in the end...God is the ONLY one who is capable of protecting you the way you should be...however...when He gives you have someone who has commited to you... to love the physical and emotional things about you ( good and bad) they will make both of those things feel amazing for the rest of your life....and it will all be worth the wait.

Date:	2005-12-22 14:12
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	weird

I read this today... at first I chuckled ... but man... I got chills when I read the thing about the quran and esspecially when I did the last thing... whether or not it is true or if it means anything....it still does give ya that creepy feeling...*shudder*



1) New York City has 11 letters

2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.

3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin
Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.

4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:

1) New York is the 11th state.

2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number
11.

3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11

4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers.
6+5 = 11

5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 = 11

6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number
911. 9 + 1 + 1 = 11.

Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:

1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was
254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. Again 2 + 5 + 4
= 11.

3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.

4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers
incident.

Now this is where things get totally eerie:

The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is
the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic
holy book:

"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.
The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo,
while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for
the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was
peace."

That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.

Still uncovinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you feel
afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:

Open Microsoft Word and do the following:

1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first
plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.

2. Highlight the Q33 NY.

3. Change the font size to 48.

4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS

What do you think now?!!

Date:	2005-12-19 12:53
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

so incredibly







I ripped up my list today.... ripped it... right up...into little tiny pieces...I don't know why I ripped it up... I think I just got sick of hoping for it... and you can't hope for something that is in little tiny pieces... garbage day is on monday and then who knows where my list will end up... some environmentally aware chick in california, crying over her recent break up will probably end up blowing her nose into a part of it... that makes me happy to think of it that way... at least then my list will be put to good use....







done with






whats the point anyway? why did I even make that list?... I think I thought that somehow if I thought about it enough the list would manifest itself into something else...I think that I thought that I actually had an understanding of what to put on the list... all its done is make me aware so that when I see it I turn my head and all is lost...something about leaning on an understanding...all its done is allow hurt to settle in me and take root so much that to pull it out is to rip out pieces of my perceived identity that I was so proud of....but anyway its ripped up and tossed away... with the mental image of it soon to have the same fate.... but I'm not sure if they recycle mental images....





thinking

Date:	2005-12-12 15:29
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lovin my buddies

After the topic in church yesterday and in watching the movie emma last night and talking to a certian waugh that I like to call katie I realized something


Guys don't always realize that having a best friend that is a girl is different than having a best friend that is a guy...

girls will do anything they can to make the guy happy even if he is just a friend... they will seek out his inner most thoughts and feelings, not so they can use them against him, but so they can love him better...

girls can't be just joshed around like guys can... things mean things to girls... there is no such thing as an empty statement... even if we sit there day and night trying to convince ourselves that he didn't mean anything by it ( be it good or bad) and that it was just a sentence...we still believe deep down that something was meant by it...don't get me wrong girls love to just hang out and keep it light and, say.... fight to the death to try to keep her buddy list the way it is... but even those things mean something... they mean "My friend and I love each other so much that we can just keep it light and we don;t need to be deep" but it still means love...

even the most "one of the guys" girls feel the same way when guys seem to not care about what she is feeling... the difference is that some girls speak it and some don't and just push down the hurt... they may not even realize they are doing it until one day they realize that they are always trying to win the guy's approval instead of just feeling loved for the amazing girl she is...

guys don't realize when they are acting like they don't care what girls are feeling because they don't have to worry about that with their guy friends... they aren't doing it to be mean or malicious... they are just being guys
If they care enough about the girl though... they will make efforts to protect her emotionally as well as physically... to watch over how she is feeling...while maintaining that gentle strength that makes them awesome

Girls are different than guys...they need to know they are loved in different ways...they won't be satisfied with you just being buddy buddy with them... they don't understand love through that the way guys do...they need to know that what's going on inside of them is important to you...it may take more effort and it may be frusrtating.. but the effort is all the girl needs... she won't care if you say you will try... and you don't need to be perfect... when she sees you trying... it will speak volumes to her

so gentlemen if you have a best friend that is a girl and she seems to get upset at you every so often... ask yourself... do I treat this lady friend of mine in a way that is consistant with how great i think she is? does she truely know how much I value her not just because I have told her but because I have shown her in a way that she, individually, will understand not just in a way that i am comfortable showing her... when I hurt her and she gets up the courage to tell me about it... do I listen and hear from her side and say "I am sorry I hurt you"... or do I say "I'm sorry but...."



I love my two best guy friends...while I know that it is hard for them to understand the woman side of it sometimes... they try... and though we have fought and gotten angry and frustrated with each other... there is love underneath it.. no matter what happens with us and no matter what other guy comes along... I will always love them as my brothers.... I will always fight for our friendship to grow and never become stagnant...

to adamo and thewness....there are no words I can say... I love you guys.

Date:	2005-11-28 15:00
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

this is what I think a strong man is:


~someone who stands up for what is right.(I am talkin biblical righteousness... not the stuff you can get away with today) even when his family, friends, and role models tell him he doesn't have to. (ex: turns his eyes away from skanky commercials b/c he sees the bad that comes out of it instead of watching it as a freebie)

~someone who isn't afraid to show emotion (not meaning that he is overly emotional... just meaning he isn't afraid to admit that he loves/feels deeply about things)

~someone who in a tight situation can take the reigns and lead people OR can support someone else who is leading

~when faced with an opponent he doesn't try to puff up his chest and be better than him... but instead reaches out his hand to shake it (it takes WAY more to love- or at least to try to love- someone who is a threat to you than to be physically stronger or better looking)

~someone willing to show, unasked for, open affection ( that doesn't just mean physical affection but it does include it) esspecially when he is not sure of how the other person will take it...someone who isn't afraid to tell the woman he cares about just how wonderful she is and just why she makes him feel the way he does

~a man who loves someone when it is hard to... like when he has to call them on something and they don't want to be called on it.

~someone who loves others when they don't deserve it. like when they do something to upset him he looks to the reason why they acted the way they did instead of only feeling hurt and just chalking it up to the other person being a jerk ( note that I don't think feeling hurt is weak...but it is weak to just dwell in that hurt)

~someone who cares enough to read people ( if he is able)... who slows down and really pays attention to someone... instead of using his thoughts to think of how he can make himself look good he thinks of how he can make the other person look good. (even when, and especially when he doesn't even know that person or that person may look better than him--notice I said LOOK better...not IS better) basically someone who will take another man and say "look at how great this man of God is" instead of trying to show how great he is.

~someone who knows who he is in God so that when a woman comes along and sees how amazing he is, he will rejoice that she loves him so close to the way God does... not draw his worth from or understand himself through her love.

~someone who is loyal...even when it's hard to be

~someone who studies himself and fights for who he is in God in prayer and sumbmission

~someone who will do the same for the woman he loves with the same passion (if not more)


~someone who will act on what God says when it sounds outrageous. like " write the words 'yellow polka dotted elephant on a piece of paper and give it to liz'" little did he know that I was just praying that a worthy man would write the words "yellow polka dotted elephant" on a piece of paper and give it to me:)

~someone who openly loves God with passion and action!



I will wait for this man knowing that he will not be like this all the time but at the core of his heart he will desire to be like this and will have the courage to work at being like this... he will have so much more than I have written here... more good and more bad... and I can't wait to embrace it and love it all... to build him up in his giftings, talents, and strengths and to pray with him and stroke his hair when he cries/gets upset about his flaws...... oddly enough... its the flaws that make me love men more... maybe not the flaws themselves but their awareness of them and their struggle to overcome them...it makes me stand by their side on the battleground ready to charge...it makes them real to me

Date:	2005-11-06 19:24
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	deep

The storm came up quickly and violent winds followed.
I walked through it singing " the prayer of the one will combat the storm"

God said "This is what will happen in oswego"
I said "I am not afraid because You are with me"


the storm raged

I drove through it to help my sister

as I parked the sun came out
as I walked a rainbow spread

"I will not flood these sinners"

the arch circled this holy battleground

"we will fight for it is time"

then night came.

Date:	2005-10-29 16:33
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	see below

THIS IS WHAT I FEEL:

sad
alone
helpless
hopeless
abandoned
sad
misunderstood
stupid
ugly
limp
cheated
hopeless
sad....
unworthy
alone
betrayed
trapped
guilty
chained
sad...
and backstabbed


THIS IS WHAT I KNOW:
God's
love
waits for me
I
am
alone with Him
my
joy
is in Him
I
can
cry on Him
He
will
heal my heart and all I know will be in Him












wipe your tears away

Date:	2005-10-11 13:07
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	I give up

this is an ammendment to the last post:


maybe I shouldn't have said it the way I said it and I truly apologize if it offended anyone... and know that I didn't mean to say ALL my guy friends ...even though that is exactly what I wrote...

this is my live journal... a place for me to put down what I am feeling and share it with other people who CHOOSE to read it...things that have happened and have been said have really hurt me and it has just gone on for so long that I was sick of it...I am allowed to feel what I feel... I am allowed to be hurt...and I am allowed to express that...

the first part was the harsh rant I admit that.... but it was just a rant...an expression of anger... of course its not going to include all the good things I feel for the guys because that wasn't what I was feeling...but that is why I wrote the short version... to SHOW that I knew I was just being angry and, while what I said held some truth ( meaning I do think that the guys I know could be a little more compassionate with the girls), I wasn't trying to point fingers at people.... I was just frustrated that I couldn't trust some of my guy friends...esspecially when, at one time, I was really close with them... and I was sick of guys just saying whatever they felt like with out thinking of the effect it would have on the girls...

the thing that upsets me the most is the guys who I KNOW aren't really like that... who are extremely caring and sweet and compassionate.. but then act like they do when they get around the other guys...I want to say to them " its ok to be yourself around the guys too... there is nothing wrong with being who you are in front of your friends" ..... for anyone who knows anything about what is going on with me lately you will understand why this hits home with me... its like one on one they care and you let them in and feel protected by them but then it feels like a total betrayal when they just tear you apart with everyone else...

I am not sorry for feeling hurt... I am not sorry for writing it down and finally saying how I feel... I AM sorry for expecting my friends to be something that they are not... I AM sorry for not just accepting them as they are and doing to them exactly what I was upset that they were doing to me...

know this... guys... whether or not you love me I love you...I am called to love others as myself.. not feel love back...I know more than ever that God knows what is in my heart and adores me for it and THAT is the only love I need to feel... I love you for the men I have seen peek out in you... I love you for the men that God is making you and has made you... I love you for who really are... even though that love makes me really vulnerable I refuse to stop loving you... even when I feel like, try as I might, I won't ever win your approval I will still love you ... even when I get so frustrated with you I will still love you... the reason I challenge you all on this in the first place is because I love you...and I want to see you guys be the awesome men of God that you already ARE... I am not trying to change you... but to challenge you to be everything I KNOW you guys are...I am sorry if you took that challenge to mean that I didn't feel for you everything that I do. this includes ALL of my guy friends... even you.

Date:	2005-10-06 14:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated

the short version is also the nicer version:-D


******************************LONG VERSION*********************************
(SCROLL DOWN FOR SHORT VERSION)

hhhholy crap I understand.......see in other countries when young adults go to college they become ...well...young adults... in america when young adults go to college they see it as just a few more years to goof off and not be an adult yet. as we learned last night.... 30 is the new 20.... because now people are 30 before they realize that they are a real person with a real purpose who needs to take responsibility for what they say, do, and act like.....

with that comes the immaturity of only being able to say sarcastic things to each other... its the same idea of the little boy who has a crush on the little girl pulling her pigtails instead of saying "I quite like you" because our society encourages youth, no one learns how to grow up until they are forced out into the world and then the world seems like this big scary place that is hard hearted ....and they adjust to that by being hard hearted themselves...

with the people all around us constantly just making fun of us and picking on everything its they young way to say "I quite like you" ... now personally I love it when people good naturedly (?) pick on me... but I am also extremely sensitive and when negative things are the ONLY thing I hear it gets quite upsetting... NOW THIS IS THE KEY: the reason that it is so upsetting is because we know that in life there are going to be people to make fun of us and be mean...but FRIENDS ARE THE ONES WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO LEAN ON. when you have someone who you have let into a place inside you that not many are allowed into and they turn around and just make fun of everything they see.... well it hurts a lot more.... its like you cut open your chest and exposed your internal organs and then someone just takes a knife stabs it into them.....

dramatic? not really...

speaking of dramatic... I would officially like to say that catie is not dramatic... she doesn't make something that should mean nothing into meaning everything.... as meag keenly observed catie is a girl who things mean a lot to her... THAT IS NOT SOMETHING TO MAKE FUN OF IT IS JUST WHO SHE IS AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT AT ALL.

it comes down to this: people don't have the freedom to really be themselves infront of other people...and they react to the ones that do by trying to bring them back to a place of internal seclusion so that they feel better for not being comfortable with themselves.... or maybe not... maybe its just that people don't know how to express love anymore so they pull the pigtails and hope that the girl notices them. when did it become a good thing to try to get the other person as upset as you can?? when did that become friendship?.... like I said... I am all for a good ribbing... but there needs to be a balance... you get the PRIVILEDGE to rib ONLY AFTER you have shown that person that you love them for everything that they are... and remind them of it when they forget.....


why can't people accept differences in people? not the harmful ones... just the different ones... sure you can ask a person about it and get to know them... but then ACCEPT THAT THAT IS WHO THEY ARE!!!!!

why is it that all my guy friends seem like little brothers? why is it that I am on gaurd when certian people come around because I know they are waiting for me to mess up in the slightest so they can jump all over it... why do I feel more loved by people I just meet then people that I have known for a few years?

my rant:
I am sick of it all ... I am with catie in wanting to leave... this place is ridiculous... I lived with a ton of people who were mostly younger than me last semester but they were ten times more mature than most of the guys that I know now... there is a reason for this... te thing that gets me the most... is the guys who I KNOW are more mature act like they are 7.... step it up guys... I don't want to be friends with boys any more... I want to be friends with men... most of the women have surpassed you already... if you want to stay like you are ... fine... be like that... you will be my little brother... but don't expect me to treat you any older than you act.....



*************************************SHORT VERSION****************************


people our age go to college as an extention of their youth... not to grow up... then are forced to grow up when college is suddenly over and they are thrown out into the world

people our age seem to be not comfortable enough and not mature enough to be able to express feelings and not make fun of the ones that seem cheesy or deep but are very real... they are uncomfortable with depth and react to it by pushing it away.... this comes out with them making jokes about it in an attempt to keep it "light and surfaced".....

when you let someone in as a friend and they, in turn, just make fun of everything you let them into they are not being a friend... everyone else in the world could make fun of us... friends are supposed to have your back... not join in on the picking on

good natured ribbing is great... but you must earn that privledge by first showing that person that you love them for who they are RIGHT NOW and remind them of it when ever they need reminding (this also goes for advice giving)

I don't know when it became popular to try to push the other persons buttons until they want to scream... to get them so frustrated that they want to explode but then can't do anything about it with out being called dramatic.... how can you sit there and get someone to get upset and then call them dramatic when you succeed?

I think it's time for people our age to take responsibility for what they say, do, and act like... what they say has meaning that can't be taken back... what they do affects other people...... they aren't little kids anymore.....so stop acting like it...

Date:	2005-08-17 22:18
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious

is it possible to become almost a completely different person around those who know you best?

when I went halfway across the world and lived there on my own for 5ish months I changed.... well... I realized who I really was... and who I was being...who I wanted to be...and who I was actually being...

I feel that I am coming back to a place where a ton of people know the "Liz show" to steal a term from someone...

example: everyone knows me as this crazy girl who gets all hyper and stuff... and everyone thinks its because I am just happy and crazy... but what is really going on when I get all hyper its because I am unhappy, anxious, and frustrated,and looking for some kind of release... so I get loud, obnoxious, and down right annoying...

example: I get pissed off at people who I am afraid to love... when I am afraid to open the door of loving someone because I am either afraid I will love them too much or I am afraid they will hurt me... I start picking them apart and pointing out all their faults to them... I do it thinking that I am helping them but the real reason is because I am insecure and am trying to get them to feel the same around me so I don't feel it's unbalanced...( how horrible is that) but the real reason I am like that is because I see how awesome of a person they are...its because I am intimidated by how highly I really do see them **disclaimer: this is not the case in all situations because I do want to help ppl sometimes and that is why I bring things up and I do hope that ppl would with me should they see anything**


I am a lot more quiet and mellow than people know me as... I am afraid this will dissapoint some people and to them I say that I am sorry for misleading you in the first place. Oswego is getting a whole new liz this year...and it will be interesting to see the reaction...I am still me.... still liz... but a slightly different liz ( as someone predicted before I left and I just realized as I typed that that it happened)

I am nervous, excited, and relieved that I don't have to carry this on any more...

Date:	2005-08-16 21:13
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	iiii dunno

oh yes ... ooooh yes... let's see if anyone fills this puppy out:-D


1. who are you?
2. are we friends?
3. when and how did we meet?
4. do you have a crush on me?
5. would you kiss me?
6. give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. describe me in one word.
8. what was your first impression of me?
9. do you still think that way about me?
10. what reminds you of me?
11. if you could give me anything what would it be?
12. how well do you know me?
13. when is the last time you saw me?
14. ever wanted to tell me something but couldnt?
15. are you going to put thos on your blog and see what i say about you?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF...
1. i cried?
2. i said i liked you?
3. i kissed you?
4. i was hospitalized?
5. i ran away from home?
6. i got in a fight and you were there?
7. i got dumped?
8. i pissed you off?
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY....
1. my personality?
2. eyes?
3. face?
4. hair?
5. clothes?
6. voice?
7. humor?
8. choice of music?
9. mannerisms?
10. family?
11. friends?
12. decisions?
WOULD YOU...
1. be my friend?
2. tell me the truth no matter what?
3. lie to make me feel better?
4. spread rumors about me?
5. keep a secret if i told you one?
6. loan me some cash?
7. hold my hand?
8. take a bullet for me?
9. keep in touch?
10. try and solve my problems?
11. love me?
12. makeout with me?
13. hold me in times of need?
14. ditch me?
15. use me?
16. date me?